Free Your Mind...... and the rest will follow.

 Conscious Parenting and Living

Our minds are magical machines, in this manner we don't even know what we don't know because as we free our minds we think new thoughts. We create new thoughts. We even create new things as we create new thoughts. Essentially this is what a free thinker is. This is also how we evolve as a society. Someone that questions their own thoughts and breaks free and transcends them. Perhaps we have these belief systems and thoughts based on beauty,  race, education, gender, sexuality, work performance, salary, technology, medicine, parenting, child behavior, economics, schooling, the list can go on and on. 

Essentially as we grow up, we are programmed and wired to believe certain things. We are programmed from our parents, society, peers/friendships, schools, media, everywhere! We internalize these messages and we saddle them and ride them out clinging to them.... until one day we don't. Until we start to question these belief systems, ideas, biases, and thoughts we do not break free. We do not enter into our consciousness, learn, and we do not transcend or grow. The fact is that our minds oscillate between our unconscious, our ego, and our conscious mind. Essentially we don't know what we ourselves are blind to, until we awaken form that slumber. Often, we look back and cringe. In one breath we can be conscious that we believe gender equality is a good thing and in the next breath we can be unconscious to economic or racial equality and still make enemies with those impoverished communities or our views of those that have a different skin tone. We likely are not even aware that we have these unconscious beliefs either until one day we have a thought and then immediately say to ourselves... "Why?" or "Says Who?" Who says women can't be in high ranking positions? Who says women can't have a career and kids? This is where we begin to inch beyond the confines of our own minds. This is where we stare those beliefs in the face and say... this doesn't have to be so! It can be different. I or We can make it different. This ultimately is how generations evolve and change course in various including how we operate and live, progress as a society in human rights, education, technology, and medicine. This is also how slavery was abolished, and how women won the right to vote. Someone, somewhere challenged that belief and it gained momentum. 

For me, parenting my children has been my greatest and deepest journey into my consciousness. It has been an awakening. They have allowed me to explore and deep dive into why I believe the things I believe and where I first learned those ideas. It allows me to dig into and explore my feelings, my childhood, my adulthood, and if necessary TRANSFORM myself to meet their needs and subsequently FREE them from what I believe is harmful toxic programming. Above all, Parenting my children has healed and transformed my heart.... it has transformed my outlook, it has freed me from the rigid ideals and truthfully the prison of my own mind. This type of awakening frees them as well, it is my gift because I am unburdening them from the rigid boxes of society and meeting their needs versus giving them my expectations and making them jump fire hoops to earn my love and affection. I am able to fully show up, be intentional to soak them in love versus my ego dead center on full display and demanding they obey and soak me in. I have joked for years now that when I was pregnant I always thought I would teach them all of the things (cooking and shoe tying) but ultimately they have revealed a deeper and higher self to me more than I could ever have imagined teaching them. They sure showed me! This has been the deepest soul examining journey of my life. 

15 years ago as a young and eager first time mom I read baby books, magazines, joined mommy groups online through Babycenter and tried to educate myself as best I could. I feel this is the natural progression for many people on any new endeavor. When people want to get pets they usually do research on the breeds, and various food brands, or even qualities of the pet or breed. This could be from books, other pet owners, online, etc. When people buy a house they do research on price/cost/market/money to be saved, etc. When people want to invest, learn to cook, or build something they do much of the same type of process to educate themselves. What I learned in this endeavor was the ability to balance my instinct with knowledge. My instinct may tell me one thing, but what do the professionals say? This helped me have a microscope to my own instincts. 

Should boys not cry? Should girls always wear "girly" things? Should kids be allowed to express themselves without it being disrespectful? Should we be tough as nails or nurture our children? Should we physically punish and technically assault our kids? Should we raise our voice? Should they be afraid of us? Should they seek our help?  Should we impose our will on them? What is the best discipline? How do you get a child to "listen"? I caution you, no guru has all the answers but they do have proven practices and techniques that help foster healthy dynamics. Luckily for me I work with children so many of the best practices I learned from the classroom with regard to treating children right and forming relationships,  I also used at home because I truly believe in what science says about the brain of a child and my instinct that we should "meet them where they are" along with building a rapport to be kind, compassionate, and warm to our kids.  Especially the ones we laid down to make and brought into this world. Our kids never asked to come here, so how dare you be mean, impatient, frustrated, violent, negligent, and lazy with them is what I remind myself when I feel short fused and overloaded. I believe the reason why professionals that work with children can not legally physically assault children has nothing to do to their relationship to them, and everything to do with it being both physically and mentally harmful. Ethically we can't sign up to serve the children and then do harm to them the same way. Just like doctors can't choose and knowingly do harm to folks under their oath.  Ethically, it is an issue. I say that because back in the day schools especially religious schools could use physical assault.... until we as a society learned better. When we know better, we do better. Just like that!

Here is a statement from the American Academy of Pediatrics on discipline. "Aversive disciplinary strategies, including all forms of corporal punishment and yelling at or shaming children, are minimally effective in the short-term and not effective in the long-term. With new evidence, researchers link corporal punishment to an increased risk of negative behavioral, cognitive, psychosocial, and emotional outcomes for children. In this Policy Statement, the American Academy of Pediatrics provides guidance for pediatricians and other child health care providers on educating parents about positive and effective parenting strategies of discipline for children at each stage of development as well as references to educational materials. This statement supports the need for adults to avoid physical punishment and verbal abuse of children."

AAP Discipline Guidance  

Given this statement combined with the knowledge I have from my career, and many parenting books, this only solidified my instinctive thinking that it is not effective actually because with "new evidence" it says so,  but also when I reflect upon the type of kids I know that got beat over and over and over and nothing changed but the day, and then I think about the relationship we truly want with our kids. The type of culture and environment matters for building a better human being, for building them up versus tearing them down, for holding intentional safe and loving space at home with them.  Be proud to parent, work on your patience, and coping mechanisms. Of course conscious living and parenting does not center itself around spanking, but this is one example of a way we can free our minds beyond what we "think" would be normal or acceptable and start to expand beyond shedding old perspectives. I am not my children's enemy. 

I've heard of all the stories "I was spanked and I am fine", the problem is how do we define "fine". Not being in jail and being employed or high functioning don't always equal fine.  If you even want to put your hands on someone else smaller than you, and if you have- maybe you're not actually fine. Admitting that hurts, trust me thinking of oneself has a toxic person takes guts. Admitting you've been wrong is the first step to going in a new direction, it requires self awareness and humility.   Nonviolence does not make exceptions like "I don't get into bar fights or hit my colleagues" but "I'm known to incite terror and fear into smaller people I deem inferior like my children to gain cooperation." 

Children have emotions and feelings just like you and I, and when we mishandle them it feels WORSE to them than when someone mishandles us because they have limited capacity to understand and cope with it, and the trusted adult(s) that they love are now inflicting pain to them. Who do they turn to, to talk this out? Who do they process these emotions with? If your spouse hits you, you can call a best friend or a trusted family member. Children especially when young have no such support refuge. Most don't even know what is happening because the violence it is as normalized as eating dinner to them, but as they grow and they remember..... they do process it, and thats when the disconnect happens for many adult/child relationships. The same is true for sexual assault. 

As an educator I obviously believe that children can learn without pain. That is probably the biggest difference between myself and your average Joe. If I didn't believe that wholeheartedly why would I bother in a classroom?  If I have to slap Johnny across the room to make him "listen" and learn how to read well then I would be ineffective, arrested, and fired.  Yet, I keep seeing comments from parents online such "these kids need to know pain so they will stop" "they need to be hungry so they can be grateful" "they need to associate bad behavior with pain". WHAT? WHY? My heart winces and SINKS every time. How can you look at the child you laid down to make and bore into this world and think this pain you inflict on them will do them good? What kind of sad, dysfunctional mess? The parents tender heart was damaged somewhere, so now they are damaging their child.  I asked my husband this question the other day, like why do people take this stance? His response to me was, trauma does terrible things to people man. Poverty and trauma truly make people believe that strength is found in pain. This is how they "cope", this belief that their pain is necessary and it will do them good. SPOILER: Unfortunately, African Americans got this belief first from slavery. Yet, this is how they hold on to survival with this belief. That insight truly broke my heart. This is not a case of victim blaming, but more victim exploring the origin story.  Many people don't think "The outer world is absolutely terrible so I need to be so kind, warm, loving, empathetic to my children so they have been built up with the love and cognitive skills to respond and cope with the world" they largely seem to think "The outer world is absolutely terrible, so I will give them their first taste and break their spirit before anyone else can and this is where they will encounter fear, shame, and terror first". The love they know is tainted. This almost reminds me of coming across non fictional accounts of enslaved women and infanticide as resistance, they would kill their own children so those children don't have to endure the horrors of slavery. This is the same kind of trauma to me. Consciously attack this and ask, "Who says love must come with pain?" 

Professional therapists see trauma begin, at home, with their trusted caregivers and we adults in society see it play out for generations to come. There is a book titled It Didn't Start With You by Mark Wolynn. Of course this realization that what they actually endured is trauma does not show itself until many years later- usually when they come into their own consciousness and can identify and process it. One example, I know is often adults do not know why they feel a certain way about someone in their lives or their caregivers, certainly they don't hate them, and they feel love or claim to love them, but they feel at best ambivalent or unsure about them. The relationship is complicated or maybe shaky at best. Something they can't put their finger on. Why? Because growing up they endured both this person's love and pain. It was a double edged sword. Love became a weapon. They got the message normalized that love does not exist without pain, which sets them up for a plethora of conflicting messages, settling, and normalizing bad partners and friends that do harm to them.  This pain from a loved one sets the stage and leaves them feeling unsure, worried, "trust issues", resentful, cold,  emotionally unavailable, and often distant. The heart closes off and no longer works the way it should. The cycle repeats itself with others. They hold on to pain unable to forgive sometimes too.  The damage it does to the person does not actually make them able to navigate the world more effectively instead it is noted scientifically that it does the exact opposite. It makes them a liability to themselves and the world, and it makes them experience everyone they meet from the lens of caution and "gotta watch out" this person might hurt me. They no longer take the time knowing their essence and thriving but trying to protect themselves and survive. Living an entire life like that is exhausting. Especially when someone has been hurt enough by those they love, eventually they don't believe any good is available for them in the world. 

This short TikTok video explains perfectly to me- why physical violence does not make one come out "ok". 

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJKhxCAk/ 

I explore this concept of " children must feel pain to learn" under the biblical spare the rod and spoil the child comments. "Ephesians 6:4, KJV: "And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." ... Ephesians 6:4, NLT: "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord."  That doesn't sound like physical violence to me.  “Sparing the rod” has nothing to do with corporal punishment. A Shepard never uses his rod to hit his sheep into submission, but rather to use the rod to guide the sheep into the direction he would like the herd to go. You can read more about that here. 

https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-2005-03-13-0503120312-story,amp.html

Meeting a child's needs does not equate to spoiling. Loving a child does not mean spoiling. Nurturing a child does not equate to spoiling. You can set boundaries and consequences without breaking a child's spirit. Teachers do it every single day! Conscious means boundaries, conscious means with empathy, Conscious means teaching self-advocacy and voicing options respectfully, it means raising caring, empowered, logical thinkers, who are in tune with all their emotions. 

 I allow my kids to verbally express all of their emotions and I listen and observe them so I can figure out how to best meet their needs. I know behavior is a language and a form of communication. I study the functions of these behaviors. I reflect on them and ask them what they need from me, and then I think on how I can be better equipped for them. My daughter is sensitive so I know I have to be direct but warm with her. My approach must be different.  I encourage them to call and ask me for help. I don't punish them for making mistakes. In fact, I support them and only use logical consequences.  I guide them through struggles, disappointments,  and failures. I involve them in solving their own problems so they can recognize them and be equipped to do so as adults. Instead of tearing them down. Shaming, blaming, bashing, punishing.  I build them up to be better. I seek to raise emotionally intelligent mature adults, not emotionally void, obedient robots. 

I take this approach because FREE CHILDREN are  healthy adults and they necessary to take on this world and fix it. I will not oppress and break their spirit.  The world will have plenty time to try to subjugate and oppress them unfortunately. I know from research that is not a healthy parent/child dynamic. We can do better and we should do better. This should be the one place they feel safe and free. Part of my journey into checking and cross examining myself is to learn where we first got these messages that parenting is about control and childhood has to be oppressive, and that pain is necessary. Slave masters maybe?  Then this begs to the point that it is imperative to Decolonize your parenting. Break the generational violence. Upon reading I learned that we as African Americans learned the violence of our colonizers and anthropologists have noted as such. "African-Americans adopted the practice of beating children from white slave masters (Patton, 2017). Europeans brutalized their own children for thousands of years prior to crossing the Atlantic to the New World and colonizing Africa. Historians and anthropologists have found no evidence that ritualistic forms of physical discipline of children existed in precolonial West African societies prior to the Atlantic slave trade. West African societies held children in a much higher regard than slave societies in the Atlantic world, which placed emphasis on black bodies as property, not as human beings. West Africans believed that children came from the afterlife, that they were gods or reincarnated ancestors who led profoundly spiritual lives and held extraordinary mystical powers that could be harnessed through ritual practice for the good of the community. In fact, it was believed that coercion and hitting a child could scare off their soul. Indigenous people of North America held similar beliefs. As colonization, slavery and genocidal violence made life harsher for these groups, parenting practices also grew harsher." See the linked source below: 

https://www.apa.org/pi/families/resources/newsletter/2017/04/racial-trauma 

I am aware now as a conscious person and parent that I become awakened to ideas everyday. Some about biases I have or even the misogyny I have even held for myself.  I have internalized so much misogyny that I often check myself and think "Girl, why are you so hard on yourself?"  Misogyny got me again! The natural conscious person not just on a healing journey but a journey of self exploration begins to ask themselves why they think the thoughts they do, believe what they believe, and say the things they say.  I turn things upside down and inside out that I thought were "right". I don't allow my ego to guide me because the ego is always concerned with how it being "right" and how it "looks". In parenting I now allow my children's needs to be my guide. I focus on meeting their emotional and physical needs. This isn't about me, this is about them. I am building the best version of them. 

What are some things you've pushed beyond your own beliefs in and come into consciousness with? How can you have a journey of your own personal growth and development and use it to help shape your children's lives? 

"Conscious parenting starts when we decide to stop worrying about how our children look and reflect on us, and start focusing on how our unconditional love and support best reflects on them. " -Rachel Macy Stafford

Let those babies make your heart tender. They deserve to know at least one pure love free from pain. 

Misty, Mailee, and Me.

Life in Motion by Misty Copeland.  This is the bedtime read I’m reading to my very own dancer Mailee. 3 chapters in! 

SB: Yes, I still read to my older kids and I encourage all of my students parents to do the same. Why? Reading becomes associated to youngsters as an enjoyable positive experience when it IS a SHARED experience. Just like grabbing a friend and watching a show or watching a movie. You can both laugh, talk, and cry over the drama and plot. It becomes less tedious, arduous, boring, isolating when you do something together. Comprehension improves for kids and bonding time with parents or peers! This is why book clubs and literature circles are so popular! Okay enough of my Teacher hat. 

So this book..... this book just reminded me how beautiful life is. Life gives even when it takes. Isn’t it funny how life works itself out?  I remember when my daughter was much younger I was trying to find her passion or her thing... she was about 4 when I started. Mai cried at every activity I took her to except dance and soccer. I saw her dance at age 4 in a trial class, she looked so happy, so strong, and unbothered (confident)! 

I was actually just amazed she paid attention the whole 30-40 minutes! Except I saw the dance school prices later and couldn’t afford to sign her up. At the time, I lived in North Jersey and dance class was way out of my budget as a single mom. In the interim I signed her up for a cheaper activity: soccer. The first time she got on the soccer field, she did the look around. Usually she would hang in the back, spin around, and dance. I used to sit there thinking like she possibly can’t be dancing on the field. Yep she was! Dancing on the soccer field. I kid you not. So, she then tried recreational cheerleading and now could dance on a field till her hearts desire. So she did. Every time they called her name in the cheer introductions instead of the standard toe touch, she would dance. Her favorite became the Nae, Nae, The dougie, or the dab... she would Dance! I again wondered “Who taught her this?” No cheerleader jump but a little Dance? Every party she’s ever been to she closes the dance floor. Just a fact! ( Still with me? Good 🤗 I’m long winded) 

Finally, I moved here and I discovered that a college mate of mine owns a dance school nearby. It was even affordable! I rushed to sign her up. Mailee finally got her chance to try dance in a formal setting. She chose hip hop. Listen, I may be her mother and very biased but you couldn’t tell me I didn’t see a dancing Beyoncé on that stage at Mailee’s first recital. She had star power, she had confidence, she had strength. I was sitting there jaw dropped in the audience looking like the old man in the movie “Coming to America” clapping {That girl good} type excessive clapping. 

Honestly, up until that moment I had never seen her do something with so much engagement and heart in it like THAT! It just looked different than the “her” that I saw at Cheer or Soccer.  I was expecting her to get out there at recital possibly try to goof around, steal the show by doing the one thing she shouldn’t do or just giggle and be silly. To my surprise I saw a side of my daughter I never saw in my life. I kept thinking about it, kinda baffled. Maybe she practiced a lot, maybe she was more “into it”, maybe it was the song she liked. Whatever “it” was, it was evident to me this girl had a song in her soul and she wanted to dance. I could dig it! After recital she said she wanted to try jazz. Then one day I found her watching contemporary dance videos on YouTube of some guy dancing all over. I asked her why she was watching this guy dance in a Subway. She told me she was impressed with his “cool tricks” which were his intricate  (dance isolations) suddenly she declared she wanted to try Contemporary.  

So tonight as we sat reading this book Mailee and me, we were more than mother and daughter. We were two brown girls that both celebrate and love the art of dance. Mailee begins her second dance year developing her skills by taking up Hip Hop ,Contemporary, and Ballet. I can’t wait to see her grow as a dancer because she’s already been the most amazing dancer I ever had the opportunity to see! Can you imagine what she will be like at 18 if her 8 year old recital blew me away?! Just imagine all the possibilities! Regardless if she sticks to dance all her life or quits this year. I know that in my heart tonight the universe made sure it gave me this moment...just Misty, Mailee, and Me. 

Braveheart

Caleb's Birthday this year fell on Rosh Hashanah (evening) and he was purposely given a Hebrew name. Caleb in Hebrew (Ka Lev) is translated "Like the heart" or as "Whole Hearted". At the time I was pregnant with him I took a class titled Bible as Literature, and I read the entire bible front to back. In the Hebrew Bible referred to as the (Pentateuch)/Torah. Caleb is one of the 12 men sent by Moses to explore Canaan with Joshua despite the evil reports of the other 10 men the two stay steadily faithful to the word and belief that this is the promised land. Due to his faithful devotion, brave spirit, and unwavering belief Caleb and Joshua are awarded the promise land and generations of his family benefit while the other ten perish. Their belief was the difference between life and death. 

Now, during my pregnancy this story spoke to me for many reasons. The first being Caleb was born 13 months after his stillborn brother. The only thing I had to cling to during his high risk pregnancy was faith. I could only stay true to faith, immense hope, and unwavering belief that this baby would be okay, this time would be different, and there was something miraculous that would come from this. Doubt and fear would not rob me of this joy. Second, Caleb had a rough end to his inutero experience and his birth was very traumatic.  Induced, 36 hours of labor, a baby in fetal distress, c section prepped and wheeled off, only to end up discovering he was too far descended in the birth canal so a c section would've been too risky and they would've had to pull him back up with the cord around his neck . So with an assisted delivery of vacuum and forceps we finally got him out, except he was blue, not crying after several invigorating rubs, and wisked off to get oxygen. I'll never forget looking into his eyes from across the room as the team got him stabilized. I knew this child captured the essence of everything that was brave, faithful, and undeniably whole hearted.  He has always been my little warrior. This boy conquers everything. He IS and will always be defying the odds in life. My very own testament of true faith and prosperity. 

The Beast of the Mixed and Blended Family

Sigh* I think I should be called naive for ever thinking that I wouldn't encounter this beast. I think what has me so annoyed and hung up is that I NEVER thought it would be THIS bad. It's 2017 right? RIGHT? (eye roll) I can't tell. I'm sure plenty of people feel that way in this world but let me explain.

Having a blended family (Brady Bunch Style) is challenging in its own way. You have so many people involved, you're adding to the equation. It's difficult because while adding you are trying to assemble and create a NEW family instead of assimilation to the old family.  On top of that, it's even a bit more challenging when you have more than a few ethnic groups under one roof.  You're mixing cultures, traditions, etc. What happens having a blended and multi ethnic/racial family means that everywhere you go, people try to "match up" what is going on. Are they all one unit? Who belongs to who, and asking personal irrelevant questions. Sometimes comments that are damn demeaning, or possible no ill intentions but still very rude.

I think what gets me above all is that these comments aim to divide and distinguish. So they (anyone) calls to the attention of one child's hair texture/features in front of my others while I stand there looking like I could knock their head off any minute. These kids ARE siblings. Yes, that is right. They were all grown inside the same womb, and yes soon enough they will recognize their differences. My oldest already do, pointing out different features...well that is not the issue. The issue is the way it is done by people and the message behind it, it's done in a shocking/ marveling, almost "praiseful way"
 "Oh my God, XYZ child is so white looking. (clap clap clap)Thank God right because since you are Black I just assumed that they would be little jiggaboos"  Colorism at its finest.

Making comments or even prying questions about race or ethnicity like this is sending the message to all of those in ear shot, that its a blessing ( or AMAZING) for your children to come out light, bright, damn near white. Sarah Jane style from Imitation of Life. I am well aware of what all four of my children look like, and bringing up the skin/hair/etc  makes it seem like "this is a big deal".

Why is it a big deal that they look like this? Why is this comment and conversation worthy? This is what I really want to know truly.

Let me explain the other issue here. There's an obvious hierarchy ranking to skin color assigned in these questions, comments, and conversations along with a dismissive tone to my entire set of genetics. Which drives me nuts all together because all of the people making these comments know nothing about me, my family, or my background.  A common one lately is my youngest son has pretty light brown hair (at least for now) it almost has natural highlights. People automatically comment on the color of it and attribute it to my husband, (why? he doesn't even have light brown hair) when in actuality he claims everyone in his family has very dark black hair even in childhood. So there is no other explanation for it really except I do recall in my childhood my hair frequently was a lighter brown, almost red highlights at times if I had too much sun to it and I was teased called Mufasa. You have seen Mufasas mane right? It is brown. Truthfully we don't really know why Ben has this lighter shade of brown, we can only speculate from what we know of ourselves and our family. I have also been told the babies being born very pale was him too, except ALL BABIES ARE born pale. Like really... did you see me or any of my family as babies? NOPE. Where do people get this stuff from? Certainly not Biology.

The general American people have ZERO concept of genetics. This has become glaringly obvious and even aggravating to me.  I took Biology in high school and college. Does anybody remember doing the DNA project, punnet squares, etc? I digress. However, What you come out actually looking like (Phenotype) comes from the set of DNA you possess (Genotype). So what that means is you carry genetics of traits that you do not actually express (look like). You may have brown hair, but carry a genetic trait of blonde hair. You may be short, but carry a genetic trait of being tall. This is complex because the DNA code mixes with your partner. It is likely a child of yours exhibits a trait you carry but do not express in your own Phenotype if your partner carries that trait too.  So when these people comment and dismiss me, my race, or my entire set of genetics in ANY of my children, its not only infuriating. It is rather inaccurate.

 To be clear, human traits determined by multiple alleles would be hair color, hair texture, eye color, built, physical structures. So Phenotype (what you look like is controlled by at LEAST  three genes with six alleles. Therefore the (Phenotype) of anyone person is complex. There's also the whole Dominant, Recessive, and then the wild card of Incomplete Dominance which results in making a whole new phenotype. 

Phenotype (What you physically look like) This is NOT. I repeat, not like mixing colors.  I think most people think especially with mixed race children that they will come out as a complexion mix of the two kids and a mix of features. This is not true. This is not even close to true as I have seen it. I have seen two people of the same race produce children much lighter or much darker than the both of them.  This is why you see such wide variations of skin/hair/features in any one family. For example, My children have cousins that are born from white mothers and these children have a darker skin tone than them.  Growing up as a child in my own household, I never thought in this "paint mixing" expectations way. For one, I come from a family of people more than one ethnicity myself.
 To be honest, this didn't even become clear to me until I was about 10. I swear to you I think one visit it became apparent when my Aunt Jackie came with my Uncle Allen did I know "Ohhhh these people are Hawaiian?" I didn't know. I  saw many people of different shades but resembled each other in the same family. I never questioned why my cousin was a few shades darker than her Grandfather. I never questioned why my Mom was darker than me or why my Father was lighter than my sister.  I never questioned why my Grandmother was pale. I do not recall ever having the thought! My sister and I are a few shade variations apart depending on the season, and I affectionately was referred to as Casper as a baby. (See picture of me as a baby below) I just thought people sprout out however they come! For me growing up, that was what I saw. Short, tall, light, dark, all normal to me.

The problem with all of this is I am tired of having the notion pushed and brought up it seems like everywhere I go, that my children are different from each other in any sort of hierarchy way.  Yes, they are different. No, we aren't having a conversation "oooooingg and ahhhing" about any such differences while simultaneously dismissing their blackness or affirming to my others how "basic" their brown skin is.  I won't stand for it.

So, this is now my PSA to the world that racism indeed is subtle and creeping. Racism come from strangers comments, it comes from within families, it comes from media, and everywhere else in between.  This type of racism I speak of comes in the form of colorism where people all over of varying ethnic backgrounds believe deep down that lighter is better. They see it, distinguish it, will seek to point it out often, they will marvel at it making inaccurate inappropriate comments.  You know how I know for sure its done with colorism at the root? Because more than a decade has passed by and nobody has ever commented on "how black" any of my children are. NEVER. EVER. They don't seek to comment, lift up, call out, glorify their blackness or black features of any of my kids. Only do they comment or articulate the perceived whiteness. Is it more acceptable? More shocking?  The next time you notice anyone doing this. Please call them on their racist comments and ideologies. They probably will ignore you or deny it, but because I am so fed up with this beast of the mixed and blended family I plan on doing it every single time. Every.Single.Time.

Can we all agree on one thing?

Listen guys, It has been awhile but while I am in the midst of new motherhood again. I am also in the midst of almost killing the next person that offers their unsolicited advice or tries to "one up", and get  "judgy"with me. Can we all agree on one thing? Nobody cares what you do/did with your kids. I say that with as much love and compassion as I can. I don't play Mommy Wars. As a "veteran" or more like warrior mom of 4 kids. For the second time in 11 years I was faced with staying home an extended amount of time with some serious hurdles to clear. it was getting scary for me.  By the way, I would rather light myself on fire then spend months or.years on end at home with no outlet of my own. (Go ahead judge me)  I start to feel like the woman from Charlotte Perkins Gilman's story "The Yellow Wallpaper" when I am home. ( You're Welcome, now you have yourself a new read) let's just say  I now understand why women fought for the right to work.

Yet it is true, there is so much more to ME as a woman then just being a wife and mother 24/7 365. I am sorry I am not sorry. Sitting home as time passed just cleaning, cooking, and changing diapers started to have me very jaded. Almost feeling like "Did I miss the part when this gets to the dream of what people claim they love about it?" "Cause uhhh I need to get dressed and not argue with my 3 year old at least a few hours out of the day"
  I did this baby stint another time just to be sure. I absolutely love and adore my kids but I am a much better mother when I work. I actually thrive on structure and crave my own space. So with that said, while each mother is different. Each mother and family presents different strengths and abilities.  So who are you to  judge them? I can also tell you right now each and every child is different with unique strengths and abilities. I have four kids as different as night and day. While parented relatively the same. So please save me your mommy wars in order to stroke your own ego so you can feel better at night about your own choices.

As my friend Yetunde says" I don't care much if you feed your child fertilizer". I also seriously don't care if you feed your kid formula and they go to daycare.  Chances are I won't even ask, because it is no business of mine. No judgement, because you are doing whats best for YOU, and likely what makes your life work. Please don't talk down to, "one up", or throw someone else under the bus that chooses not to do those things. 

 I would never say to someone "Those kids in daycare are  abused, dirty, and sick all the time." on the flip  "Those who have individual babysitters or nanny's are spoiled or less socialized". "Those who formula feed are lazy" "Those kids that stay home with their moms are coddled, sheltered, and are monsters!"  In contrast to all the stereotypes and generalizations, my third child is more socialized than my first two kids were and they attended a childcare center much longer than he ever did. He defies all "stereotypes". Yet, he was the most precocious of them all!!!  He also had formula from month 4 and he ended up hitting most of his developmental milestones before his other siblings. Yup, meanwhile my son is a perfectionist and my daughter is a creative outside the box soul in gifted and talented. This goes to show children are all different. So, lets agree on one thing here.  STOP with the generalizations, STOP judging. SAVE your mommy wars. Open your mind a bit to differences. Parent the way YOU need to parent and stay in your own lane.

There's a kid somewhere right now who was abandoned as a child with an above average IQ and an advanced college degree out here saving the world.

My 9 year old has an ipod

This post is inspired from the recent Christmas gift my 9 year old received from this grandmother. This morning my fiancée told me that he wants to "hold off" on the technological devices for awhile with our youngest son. Now, immediately I already know he felt this way for some time now...... as we both discussed these things for awhile. My immediate reaction was not to take offense, but to explain to him why he should have an open mind.   I want to call attention to something, when I had my first child I ran through a list of things I WOULD NEVER EVER DO. I remember my mom chuckling at me heartily. She then told me in her most sincerest voice,  I am sure your ideologies will evolve if you "just live a little".  I was in full belief that MY children would NEVER watch TV, or play video games. I felt as though it created aloof zombies exposed to too much violence and sexual content. I blew her off, knowing that I would cling to my ideologies. I wasn't going to change or let up.  You know what, though? Mama was right. Mama lived long enough and had two kids to know that she too evolved. After awhile, everything changes.  Nothing stays the same.

The last 13 years of my life I have worked with kids, had my own kids, and lived with kids from working as a daycare assistant, Nanny, Head Teacher, Preschool Teacher, Kindergarten Assistant Teacher, High School Teacher, and Middle School Teacher and because I have lived more experience with children I have learned that TV doesn't single handedly expose children to be unintelligible zombies. It DOES have the potential to, but that is why you PARENT your children. You choose what shows they watch, when, and what they are exposed to. As they grow up they have no desire to watch things they know are "not for them". They already have a "core" if you will.  If you are not going to do that, then yes I would say it is best to just avoid TV all together.

 From his text this morning, I could  discern that my fiancée already has in his mind that being a "child" means you don't call and text people from your ipod. Perhaps maybe not owning one at all.
 However, have you seen how the world and EVERYTHING has been redefined each and every generation? When I was a child his age I had a Tamagotchi "digital" pet and a Super Nintendo. Two things my PARENTS did not even have. I had dolls that talked and walked. My parents defined childhood for their generation by playing outside jumping rope and playing tag. My generation defines childhood as Nintendo, Sega Genesis, Baby Alive, AOL, AIM, Trolls, Beanie Babies, Tamagotchi, Pogs, Slap Bands, and yes STILL playing outside and riding bikes.
 Childhood definitions change from generation to generation. Technology and toys alike have merged and evolved and for lack of a better comparison My Tamagotchi IS his version of an Ipod. They don't make Tamagotchi toys anymore, therefore this ipod all in one device where you can listen , download music, Facetime, play with apps that have animals, games, internet, etc. is encompassing to what "we had" in 1995.
We used to have 10 toys that did that, (I did have the internet in my house at 10)  Can we say....Dial up?? In comparison, texting is the new age form of AOL instant messenger.  Point is, sometimes we have to think about how much our world has evolved and how we either change with it or get left in the dust. A few years ago, I would have said no to this type of technology in his hands. However, I truly believe that growth comes in many forms, you can't fight the power of "what is occurring" with youth and technology.  So for that reason, I can accept it and teach them how to use it correctly. Or  I can avoid it all together by making blanket statements such as "ipods kill childhood".
 As a parent, you need to teach your kids acceptable use of many things, which is also a teachable moment. The idea is not to deprive kids but to teach them how to use things that can be "dangerous" appropriately so that when they do get their hands on it, they aren't using it to "bully" or for "pornographic sites".  I won't make each and every potentially dangerous thing taboo or off the table because eventually when they do get to it (computer, alcohol, driving) They will use it like a typical moron because nobody has had the discussion or the ability to coach them doing it correctly.
See, making technology commonplace meant I already went over the sharing of his password, what music he CAN listen to, and who he CAN text/Facetime with. 
As opposed to keeping it out of his hands until he is 16/17 like this was some bad invention that he would have the power to really hide any and all reckless use on it then. I suppose I go about parenting all in moderation. Too much of anything all the time is a bad look. Whether you are 2 or 92.
 In the same ideology that Burgers don't make people fat. People who eat burgers everyday of their life make themselves fat. Ipods don't take the childhood innocence away from a child. Parents who let their kids use technology  irresponsibly without teaching right and wrong take their childhood innocence from their child. I am proud to say we went to the eye doctor yesterday and while in the exam room waiting he was playing a Fruit Ninja or Santa Ninja game on the ipod but soon as someone knocked on the door, he rolled it up and PUT IT AWAY.  Two snaps for Caleb!! That was because we already had the discussion about when it is appropriate to use it.  That showed me he listened and respected what I said. I did not have to reprimand him for it.

Then there is the teacher side of me, PARCC. Yeah I said it, children as young as 9 are being asked to sit 10.5 hours to take an assessment on a computer. That requires quite a bit of technological proficiency. Okay, it requires a hell of a lot of typing, opening tabs, reading on a screen, scrolling, closing tabs, and of course simply knowing how to manage themselves on a technological device. Now I know many folks think an ipod, ipad, phone, xbox wont help my child on the PARCC.  Let's go farther... It won't hurt! Getting my students used to reading on screen is the hardest, right under them typing or KNOWING the keyboard!  My 6th graders have no idea where the underscore on the keyboard was. I wanted to fall to the floor in tears! Are they really going to utilize these computer based assessments to evaluate teachers and schools? This is a whole separate host of skills that will affect what they are able to produce on the assessment.
The texting keyboard on apple devices is a QWERTY keyboard. On these technological devices they can also download books, and read on screen aiding the ability to learn to read left and right while simultaneously having to scroll up and down. This is a skill many adults don't even realize is a skill. A skill that needs to be practiced before one can actually read and comprehend. Think rubbing belly and patting head at the same time.
   I get emails from his teacher about how to increase technological proficiency in 4th grades. Many of these "tips" are having your child type notes, read on screen, and play games on devices.  Can you imagine this; my evaluation will be tied to test scores of kids taking tests on a computer that they have no idea how to use. (INSERT SCREAM HERE)
It wasn't until just this last year that in grad school I did a 21 page action research proposal on Technological Proficiency in Special Populations. You see what we once referenced as "The Achievement Gap" between minorities in urban areas is now also showing "The Digital Divide". Let's just call this the "Have and Have Nots".  Children who have technology, higher SES, and parents that are educated perform better and they always have. Children who have not had the above have typically performed worse.   Educators such as myself are being taught in graduate school now how to not just teach LITERACY, but digital literacy. Imagine my surprise, as I sign myself up for a Masters in Education for reading and literacy and I am in classes for teaching digital literacy. Why? My title as a Reading Specialist just doesn't rely on me being able to have skills and strategies to utilize books, but to realize that this child may have a digital literacy problem, and thus have skills and strategies to help and aid that need. So that they too can be successful. Once upon a time Reading Specialist were only used as support for/with books, just like Once upon a time the library was called a library now it is a Library Media Center; full of technology to utilize.
I can even say that the "reform" and push in teaching is using technology. I will never have an evaluation where I am not using technology. It falls under a Danielson Domain. In all honesty, How can I teach 21st century learners using chalk? The way I learned, is not reflective of the world they live in, the way they learn, nor need to learn. It is the equivalent to training an operator using a switchboard. It is not 1888 or 1975, we have automatic switching. We don't use that anymore! Just in that sense that job does not exist because we have a new way of doing it with technology.

 I would not be able to sleep at night knowing my technological skills were not up to par to teach a generation of kids who will need to rely on their technological skill to obtain a job or career of choice.  Just last month students in my school had a video chat with Senator Corey Booker. I did not do that as a child! I was so happy for them. In the same breath, I use formative assessments from websites such as Socratic and poll everywhere in my class where students can respond using any type of technological device. So in my classroom and my home.... I say bring on the ipods, ipads, Macbooks, chromebooks, Apple TVs, because I promise you in ten years they will be teaching coding in schools and probably requiring students to bring their own devices. These online assessments are not disappearing, jobs are not going back to manual "paper and pen".  The only way I think I can prepare my kids for their world is to move with the times.  I go to trainings that are BYOD, so I already realize this is a movement that is not going away. It is going to get more complicated before it gets less.  I could kick and scream for my students sake, I could cry for my evaluation sake, and my fiancée could not change his mind about kids, childhood, and technology, but the whole wide world is changing.

 Due to the fact I admit that, I am not ashamed to say "YES, my 9 year old has an ipod". My 6 year old has a tablet, and I am almost certain it will advance them in a myriad of ways and not be a detriment because beyond all this technology is one informed and educated Mama. 
Here is a fun video for you too :-) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lUMf7FWGdCw

Why I'm Not A SAHM

You know I always find it funny amongst the "Mommy Wars" the assumptions that are made when a woman "decides" that working AND having her career is what she wants to do instead of not going back to work or continuing her work endeavors.   I never understood why people ask "Are you going back to work?" As if raising a child/children was impossible unless you stopped and put a halt to all your endeavors. Why don't people say to men, "Why did you return to work?" Better yet, "You must hate leaving your wife and kids to go to work?" Nobody ever asks a dad that, yet in the stereotypical gender role WOMEN ASK WOMEN that all the time.  It puzzles me to no end. I thought the whole progressive woman's rights movements was so that we could have those choices, yet when women choose that they are asked.... WHY?! Truth be told....I wanted to find a stay at home FATHER for the longest! Not to "effeminate" him, but to allow me to conquer MY DREAMS AND ASPIRATONS and not worry about having to jump so many hurdles to do it. I say and do believe a woman IS and CAN be just as good of a provider as a man.  I also believe a man can be just as good of a nurturer as a woman. I guess you can call me a feminist. I don't care which label you choose to slap on it.

 Why must we WOMEN play into gender stereotypes all the time? Someone said to me today "Oh, you must hate leaving that face!" In the back of my mind, I didn't know how to respond. Of course, I miss my  adorable children when I am working, but for heaven sakes I don't HATE to leave.  I realize they said that without much thought, but it prompted more thought from me. It was more of a compliment to how cute my baby was. I realize that, but I actually had to think.....In reality I like leaving.  I work 6.5 hours a day for 180 days a year. While my job is a lot of stress and paper work to juggle; I work half the days in the year. 180/352 COME ON! Some folks work 6-7 days a week all year. I feel blessed I CAN have a career that empowers me and I also believe by me working they learn so much from me "leaving". My oldest two are elementary school age and are in school the same hours I work, which works out well because they also have obligations.  Subconsciously, they learn how to work and play with others outside of our family, learn how to form healthy relationships without relying on me all the time, they learn it is okay to pursue your own life or have goals while still having the ability to care for your family. They learn that Dad's can do pick up/drop off/ and dinner.  There are many ways to do many things for many families. In other words I like showing them there are more than a few ways to "skin a cat".  I could go on and on since there are many reasons, but mainly I think it is healthy for ME on many different levels.  All of anything for me is not good.  I spent a significant amount of time learning myself. I am a person of balance. I go crazy with the all or nothing lifestyle.

It was when I spent such a long time being unemployed or underemployed with my first two kids that I dreamt of the day I had my  "career job".  I remember walking by in yoga pants looking at Jimmy Choo heels and thinking, "one day". I wanted to dress up and have my own niche outside of my home, studies, and my kids.  I worked hard for 7 years and spent so many thousands of dollars on an education to be productive in a field of MY choice.  Every year that I work in that career I build a resume that makes me more attractive in that field of choice for more opportunity. It also means not taking time off  or away from a career I worked so hard for  that I won't live in fear that I will be subject to the dreaded "age discrimination" and "practice gap".  Many of my colleagues warned me of the idea that when theory evolves and practice changes year to year  and you were absent from the field you are "missing from professional development and relevant content knowledge" and thus no employer wants YOU over the fresh new student teacher or rookie out of school. I also think it is important when I retire I can collect a bigger benefit for our senior years together providing much more financial security for our kids lives such as college and weddings. That means that working for ME is me reaping the benefits of all those years I put in that investment. It also means I provide myself and my children the freedom and ability to "get ahead". It means not relying on one income solely allows me the freedom and peace of mind that what I bring to the table helps my family do things I used to only dream about, like buying a bigger car, a bigger house, and paying off debt.

Freedom of choice...thats just it.  I'm not a SAHM for many reasons, but mainly because I have the freedom to work and earn my own money. I enjoy my freedom.  I don't see why I have to pass all of that up just because I had a child. In many families they do what works for them, they have that freedom to make the choice that best fits their lifestyle, personality, and ideologies.  I just think we as a society need to embrace that idea more.  Simply because one day I don't want to be out with my kids and not get strange/dirty looks when I tell people I love my career and I like working.