Conscious Parenting and Living
Our minds are magical machines, in this manner we don't even know what we don't know because as we free our minds we think new thoughts. We create new thoughts. We even create new things as we create new thoughts. Essentially this is what a free thinker is. This is also how we evolve as a society. Someone that questions their own thoughts and breaks free and transcends them. Perhaps we have these belief systems and thoughts based on beauty, race, education, gender, sexuality, work performance, salary, technology, medicine, parenting, child behavior, economics, schooling, the list can go on and on.
Essentially as we grow up, we are programmed and wired to believe certain things. We are programmed from our parents, society, peers/friendships, schools, media, everywhere! We internalize these messages and we saddle them and ride them out clinging to them.... until one day we don't. Until we start to question these belief systems, ideas, biases, and thoughts we do not break free. We do not enter into our consciousness, learn, and we do not transcend or grow. The fact is that our minds oscillate between our unconscious, our ego, and our conscious mind. Essentially we don't know what we ourselves are blind to, until we awaken form that slumber. Often, we look back and cringe. In one breath we can be conscious that we believe gender equality is a good thing and in the next breath we can be unconscious to economic or racial equality and still make enemies with those impoverished communities or our views of those that have a different skin tone. We likely are not even aware that we have these unconscious beliefs either until one day we have a thought and then immediately say to ourselves... "Why?" or "Says Who?" Who says women can't be in high ranking positions? Who says women can't have a career and kids? This is where we begin to inch beyond the confines of our own minds. This is where we stare those beliefs in the face and say... this doesn't have to be so! It can be different. I or We can make it different. This ultimately is how generations evolve and change course in various including how we operate and live, progress as a society in human rights, education, technology, and medicine. This is also how slavery was abolished, and how women won the right to vote. Someone, somewhere challenged that belief and it gained momentum.
For me, parenting my children has been my greatest and deepest journey into my consciousness. It has been an awakening. They have allowed me to explore and deep dive into why I believe the things I believe and where I first learned those ideas. It allows me to dig into and explore my feelings, my childhood, my adulthood, and if necessary TRANSFORM myself to meet their needs and subsequently FREE them from what I believe is harmful toxic programming. Above all, Parenting my children has healed and transformed my heart.... it has transformed my outlook, it has freed me from the rigid ideals and truthfully the prison of my own mind. This type of awakening frees them as well, it is my gift because I am unburdening them from the rigid boxes of society and meeting their needs versus giving them my expectations and making them jump fire hoops to earn my love and affection. I am able to fully show up, be intentional to soak them in love versus my ego dead center on full display and demanding they obey and soak me in. I have joked for years now that when I was pregnant I always thought I would teach them all of the things (cooking and shoe tying) but ultimately they have revealed a deeper and higher self to me more than I could ever have imagined teaching them. They sure showed me! This has been the deepest soul examining journey of my life.
15 years ago as a young and eager first time mom I read baby books, magazines, joined mommy groups online through Babycenter and tried to educate myself as best I could. I feel this is the natural progression for many people on any new endeavor. When people want to get pets they usually do research on the breeds, and various food brands, or even qualities of the pet or breed. This could be from books, other pet owners, online, etc. When people buy a house they do research on price/cost/market/money to be saved, etc. When people want to invest, learn to cook, or build something they do much of the same type of process to educate themselves. What I learned in this endeavor was the ability to balance my instinct with knowledge. My instinct may tell me one thing, but what do the professionals say? This helped me have a microscope to my own instincts.
Should boys not cry? Should girls always wear "girly" things? Should kids be allowed to express themselves without it being disrespectful? Should we be tough as nails or nurture our children? Should we physically punish and technically assault our kids? Should we raise our voice? Should they be afraid of us? Should they seek our help? Should we impose our will on them? What is the best discipline? How do you get a child to "listen"? I caution you, no guru has all the answers but they do have proven practices and techniques that help foster healthy dynamics. Luckily for me I work with children so many of the best practices I learned from the classroom with regard to treating children right and forming relationships, I also used at home because I truly believe in what science says about the brain of a child and my instinct that we should "meet them where they are" along with building a rapport to be kind, compassionate, and warm to our kids. Especially the ones we laid down to make and brought into this world. Our kids never asked to come here, so how dare you be mean, impatient, frustrated, violent, negligent, and lazy with them is what I remind myself when I feel short fused and overloaded. I believe the reason why professionals that work with children can not legally physically assault children has nothing to do to their relationship to them, and everything to do with it being both physically and mentally harmful. Ethically we can't sign up to serve the children and then do harm to them the same way. Just like doctors can't choose and knowingly do harm to folks under their oath. Ethically, it is an issue. I say that because back in the day schools especially religious schools could use physical assault.... until we as a society learned better. When we know better, we do better. Just like that!
Here is a statement from the American Academy of Pediatrics on discipline. "Aversive disciplinary strategies, including all forms of corporal punishment and yelling at or shaming children, are minimally effective in the short-term and not effective in the long-term. With new evidence, researchers link corporal punishment to an increased risk of negative behavioral, cognitive, psychosocial, and emotional outcomes for children. In this Policy Statement, the American Academy of Pediatrics provides guidance for pediatricians and other child health care providers on educating parents about positive and effective parenting strategies of discipline for children at each stage of development as well as references to educational materials. This statement supports the need for adults to avoid physical punishment and verbal abuse of children."
Given this statement combined with the knowledge I have from my career, and many parenting books, this only solidified my instinctive thinking that it is not effective actually because with "new evidence" it says so, but also when I reflect upon the type of kids I know that got beat over and over and over and nothing changed but the day, and then I think about the relationship we truly want with our kids. The type of culture and environment matters for building a better human being, for building them up versus tearing them down, for holding intentional safe and loving space at home with them. Be proud to parent, work on your patience, and coping mechanisms. Of course conscious living and parenting does not center itself around spanking, but this is one example of a way we can free our minds beyond what we "think" would be normal or acceptable and start to expand beyond shedding old perspectives. I am not my children's enemy.
I've heard of all the stories "I was spanked and I am fine", the problem is how do we define "fine". Not being in jail and being employed or high functioning don't always equal fine. If you even want to put your hands on someone else smaller than you, and if you have- maybe you're not actually fine. Admitting that hurts, trust me thinking of oneself has a toxic person takes guts. Admitting you've been wrong is the first step to going in a new direction, it requires self awareness and humility. Nonviolence does not make exceptions like "I don't get into bar fights or hit my colleagues" but "I'm known to incite terror and fear into smaller people I deem inferior like my children to gain cooperation."
Children have emotions and feelings just like you and I, and when we mishandle them it feels WORSE to them than when someone mishandles us because they have limited capacity to understand and cope with it, and the trusted adult(s) that they love are now inflicting pain to them. Who do they turn to, to talk this out? Who do they process these emotions with? If your spouse hits you, you can call a best friend or a trusted family member. Children especially when young have no such support refuge. Most don't even know what is happening because the violence it is as normalized as eating dinner to them, but as they grow and they remember..... they do process it, and thats when the disconnect happens for many adult/child relationships. The same is true for sexual assault.
As an educator I obviously believe that children can learn without pain. That is probably the biggest difference between myself and your average Joe. If I didn't believe that wholeheartedly why would I bother in a classroom? If I have to slap Johnny across the room to make him "listen" and learn how to read well then I would be ineffective, arrested, and fired. Yet, I keep seeing comments from parents online such "these kids need to know pain so they will stop" "they need to be hungry so they can be grateful" "they need to associate bad behavior with pain". WHAT? WHY? My heart winces and SINKS every time. How can you look at the child you laid down to make and bore into this world and think this pain you inflict on them will do them good? What kind of sad, dysfunctional mess? The parents tender heart was damaged somewhere, so now they are damaging their child. I asked my husband this question the other day, like why do people take this stance? His response to me was, trauma does terrible things to people man. Poverty and trauma truly make people believe that strength is found in pain. This is how they "cope", this belief that their pain is necessary and it will do them good. SPOILER: Unfortunately, African Americans got this belief first from slavery. Yet, this is how they hold on to survival with this belief. That insight truly broke my heart. This is not a case of victim blaming, but more victim exploring the origin story. Many people don't think "The outer world is absolutely terrible so I need to be so kind, warm, loving, empathetic to my children so they have been built up with the love and cognitive skills to respond and cope with the world" they largely seem to think "The outer world is absolutely terrible, so I will give them their first taste and break their spirit before anyone else can and this is where they will encounter fear, shame, and terror first". The love they know is tainted. This almost reminds me of coming across non fictional accounts of enslaved women and infanticide as resistance, they would kill their own children so those children don't have to endure the horrors of slavery. This is the same kind of trauma to me. Consciously attack this and ask, "Who says love must come with pain?"
Professional therapists see trauma begin, at home, with their trusted caregivers and we adults in society see it play out for generations to come. There is a book titled It Didn't Start With You by Mark Wolynn. Of course this realization that what they actually endured is trauma does not show itself until many years later- usually when they come into their own consciousness and can identify and process it. One example, I know is often adults do not know why they feel a certain way about someone in their lives or their caregivers, certainly they don't hate them, and they feel love or claim to love them, but they feel at best ambivalent or unsure about them. The relationship is complicated or maybe shaky at best. Something they can't put their finger on. Why? Because growing up they endured both this person's love and pain. It was a double edged sword. Love became a weapon. They got the message normalized that love does not exist without pain, which sets them up for a plethora of conflicting messages, settling, and normalizing bad partners and friends that do harm to them. This pain from a loved one sets the stage and leaves them feeling unsure, worried, "trust issues", resentful, cold, emotionally unavailable, and often distant. The heart closes off and no longer works the way it should. The cycle repeats itself with others. They hold on to pain unable to forgive sometimes too. The damage it does to the person does not actually make them able to navigate the world more effectively instead it is noted scientifically that it does the exact opposite. It makes them a liability to themselves and the world, and it makes them experience everyone they meet from the lens of caution and "gotta watch out" this person might hurt me. They no longer take the time knowing their essence and thriving but trying to protect themselves and survive. Living an entire life like that is exhausting. Especially when someone has been hurt enough by those they love, eventually they don't believe any good is available for them in the world.
This short TikTok video explains perfectly to me- why physical violence does not make one come out "ok".
https://vm.tiktok.com/
I explore this concept of " children must feel pain to learn" under the biblical spare the rod and spoil the child comments. "Ephesians 6:4, KJV: "And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." ... Ephesians 6:4, NLT: "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord." That doesn't sound like physical violence to me. “Sparing the rod” has nothing to do with corporal punishment. A Shepard never uses his rod to hit his sheep into submission, but rather to use the rod to guide the sheep into the direction he would like the herd to go. You can read more about that here.
https://www.chicagotribune.