Misty, Mailee, and Me.

Life in Motion by Misty Copeland.  This is the bedtime read I’m reading to my very own dancer Mailee. 3 chapters in! 

SB: Yes, I still read to my older kids and I encourage all of my students parents to do the same. Why? Reading becomes associated to youngsters as an enjoyable positive experience when it IS a SHARED experience. Just like grabbing a friend and watching a show or watching a movie. You can both laugh, talk, and cry over the drama and plot. It becomes less tedious, arduous, boring, isolating when you do something together. Comprehension improves for kids and bonding time with parents or peers! This is why book clubs and literature circles are so popular! Okay enough of my Teacher hat. 

So this book..... this book just reminded me how beautiful life is. Life gives even when it takes. Isn’t it funny how life works itself out?  I remember when my daughter was much younger I was trying to find her passion or her thing... she was about 4 when I started. Mai cried at every activity I took her to except dance and soccer. I saw her dance at age 4 in a trial class, she looked so happy, so strong, and unbothered (confident)! 

I was actually just amazed she paid attention the whole 30-40 minutes! Except I saw the dance school prices later and couldn’t afford to sign her up. At the time, I lived in North Jersey and dance class was way out of my budget as a single mom. In the interim I signed her up for a cheaper activity: soccer. The first time she got on the soccer field, she did the look around. Usually she would hang in the back, spin around, and dance. I used to sit there thinking like she possibly can’t be dancing on the field. Yep she was! Dancing on the soccer field. I kid you not. So, she then tried recreational cheerleading and now could dance on a field till her hearts desire. So she did. Every time they called her name in the cheer introductions instead of the standard toe touch, she would dance. Her favorite became the Nae, Nae, The dougie, or the dab... she would Dance! I again wondered “Who taught her this?” No cheerleader jump but a little Dance? Every party she’s ever been to she closes the dance floor. Just a fact! ( Still with me? Good 🤗 I’m long winded) 

Finally, I moved here and I discovered that a college mate of mine owns a dance school nearby. It was even affordable! I rushed to sign her up. Mailee finally got her chance to try dance in a formal setting. She chose hip hop. Listen, I may be her mother and very biased but you couldn’t tell me I didn’t see a dancing Beyoncé on that stage at Mailee’s first recital. She had star power, she had confidence, she had strength. I was sitting there jaw dropped in the audience looking like the old man in the movie “Coming to America” clapping {That girl good} type excessive clapping. 

Honestly, up until that moment I had never seen her do something with so much engagement and heart in it like THAT! It just looked different than the “her” that I saw at Cheer or Soccer.  I was expecting her to get out there at recital possibly try to goof around, steal the show by doing the one thing she shouldn’t do or just giggle and be silly. To my surprise I saw a side of my daughter I never saw in my life. I kept thinking about it, kinda baffled. Maybe she practiced a lot, maybe she was more “into it”, maybe it was the song she liked. Whatever “it” was, it was evident to me this girl had a song in her soul and she wanted to dance. I could dig it! After recital she said she wanted to try jazz. Then one day I found her watching contemporary dance videos on YouTube of some guy dancing all over. I asked her why she was watching this guy dance in a Subway. She told me she was impressed with his “cool tricks” which were his intricate  (dance isolations) suddenly she declared she wanted to try Contemporary.  

So tonight as we sat reading this book Mailee and me, we were more than mother and daughter. We were two brown girls that both celebrate and love the art of dance. Mailee begins her second dance year developing her skills by taking up Hip Hop ,Contemporary, and Ballet. I can’t wait to see her grow as a dancer because she’s already been the most amazing dancer I ever had the opportunity to see! Can you imagine what she will be like at 18 if her 8 year old recital blew me away?! Just imagine all the possibilities! Regardless if she sticks to dance all her life or quits this year. I know that in my heart tonight the universe made sure it gave me this moment...just Misty, Mailee, and Me. 

Braveheart

Caleb's Birthday this year fell on Rosh Hashanah (evening) and he was purposely given a Hebrew name. Caleb in Hebrew (Ka Lev) is translated "Like the heart" or as "Whole Hearted". At the time I was pregnant with him I took a class titled Bible as Literature, and I read the entire bible front to back. In the Hebrew Bible referred to as the (Pentateuch)/Torah. Caleb is one of the 12 men sent by Moses to explore Canaan with Joshua despite the evil reports of the other 10 men the two stay steadily faithful to the word and belief that this is the promised land. Due to his faithful devotion, brave spirit, and unwavering belief Caleb and Joshua are awarded the promise land and generations of his family benefit while the other ten perish. Their belief was the difference between life and death. 

Now, during my pregnancy this story spoke to me for many reasons. The first being Caleb was born 13 months after his stillborn brother. The only thing I had to cling to during his high risk pregnancy was faith. I could only stay true to faith, immense hope, and unwavering belief that this baby would be okay, this time would be different, and there was something miraculous that would come from this. Doubt and fear would not rob me of this joy. Second, Caleb had a rough end to his inutero experience and his birth was very traumatic.  Induced, 36 hours of labor, a baby in fetal distress, c section prepped and wheeled off, only to end up discovering he was too far descended in the birth canal so a c section would've been too risky and they would've had to pull him back up with the cord around his neck . So with an assisted delivery of vacuum and forceps we finally got him out, except he was blue, not crying after several invigorating rubs, and wisked off to get oxygen. I'll never forget looking into his eyes from across the room as the team got him stabilized. I knew this child captured the essence of everything that was brave, faithful, and undeniably whole hearted.  He has always been my little warrior. This boy conquers everything. He IS and will always be defying the odds in life. My very own testament of true faith and prosperity. 

The Beast of the Mixed and Blended Family

Sigh* I think I should be called naive for ever thinking that I wouldn't encounter this beast. I think what has me so annoyed and hung up is that I NEVER thought it would be THIS bad. It's 2017 right? RIGHT? (eye roll) I can't tell. I'm sure plenty of people feel that way in this world but let me explain.

Having a blended family (Brady Bunch Style) is challenging in its own way. You have so many people involved, you're adding to the equation. It's difficult because while adding you are trying to assemble and create a NEW family instead of assimilation to the old family.  On top of that, it's even a bit more challenging when you have more than a few ethnic groups under one roof.  You're mixing cultures, traditions, etc. What happens having a blended and multi ethnic/racial family means that everywhere you go, people try to "match up" what is going on. Are they all one unit? Who belongs to who, and asking personal irrelevant questions. Sometimes comments that are damn demeaning, or possible no ill intentions but still very rude.

I think what gets me above all is that these comments aim to divide and distinguish. So they (anyone) calls to the attention of one child's hair texture/features in front of my others while I stand there looking like I could knock their head off any minute. These kids ARE siblings. Yes, that is right. They were all grown inside the same womb, and yes soon enough they will recognize their differences. My oldest already do, pointing out different features...well that is not the issue. The issue is the way it is done by people and the message behind it, it's done in a shocking/ marveling, almost "praiseful way"
 "Oh my God, XYZ child is so white looking. (clap clap clap)Thank God right because since you are Black I just assumed that they would be little jiggaboos"  Colorism at its finest.

Making comments or even prying questions about race or ethnicity like this is sending the message to all of those in ear shot, that its a blessing ( or AMAZING) for your children to come out light, bright, damn near white. Sarah Jane style from Imitation of Life. I am well aware of what all four of my children look like, and bringing up the skin/hair/etc  makes it seem like "this is a big deal".

Why is it a big deal that they look like this? Why is this comment and conversation worthy? This is what I really want to know truly.

Let me explain the other issue here. There's an obvious hierarchy ranking to skin color assigned in these questions, comments, and conversations along with a dismissive tone to my entire set of genetics. Which drives me nuts all together because all of the people making these comments know nothing about me, my family, or my background.  A common one lately is my youngest son has pretty light brown hair (at least for now) it almost has natural highlights. People automatically comment on the color of it and attribute it to my husband, (why? he doesn't even have light brown hair) when in actuality he claims everyone in his family has very dark black hair even in childhood. So there is no other explanation for it really except I do recall in my childhood my hair frequently was a lighter brown, almost red highlights at times if I had too much sun to it and I was teased called Mufasa. You have seen Mufasas mane right? It is brown. Truthfully we don't really know why Ben has this lighter shade of brown, we can only speculate from what we know of ourselves and our family. I have also been told the babies being born very pale was him too, except ALL BABIES ARE born pale. Like really... did you see me or any of my family as babies? NOPE. Where do people get this stuff from? Certainly not Biology.

The general American people have ZERO concept of genetics. This has become glaringly obvious and even aggravating to me.  I took Biology in high school and college. Does anybody remember doing the DNA project, punnet squares, etc? I digress. However, What you come out actually looking like (Phenotype) comes from the set of DNA you possess (Genotype). So what that means is you carry genetics of traits that you do not actually express (look like). You may have brown hair, but carry a genetic trait of blonde hair. You may be short, but carry a genetic trait of being tall. This is complex because the DNA code mixes with your partner. It is likely a child of yours exhibits a trait you carry but do not express in your own Phenotype if your partner carries that trait too.  So when these people comment and dismiss me, my race, or my entire set of genetics in ANY of my children, its not only infuriating. It is rather inaccurate.

 To be clear, human traits determined by multiple alleles would be hair color, hair texture, eye color, built, physical structures. So Phenotype (what you look like is controlled by at LEAST  three genes with six alleles. Therefore the (Phenotype) of anyone person is complex. There's also the whole Dominant, Recessive, and then the wild card of Incomplete Dominance which results in making a whole new phenotype. 

Phenotype (What you physically look like) This is NOT. I repeat, not like mixing colors.  I think most people think especially with mixed race children that they will come out as a complexion mix of the two kids and a mix of features. This is not true. This is not even close to true as I have seen it. I have seen two people of the same race produce children much lighter or much darker than the both of them.  This is why you see such wide variations of skin/hair/features in any one family. For example, My children have cousins that are born from white mothers and these children have a darker skin tone than them.  Growing up as a child in my own household, I never thought in this "paint mixing" expectations way. For one, I come from a family of people more than one ethnicity myself.
 To be honest, this didn't even become clear to me until I was about 10. I swear to you I think one visit it became apparent when my Aunt Jackie came with my Uncle Allen did I know "Ohhhh these people are Hawaiian?" I didn't know. I  saw many people of different shades but resembled each other in the same family. I never questioned why my cousin was a few shades darker than her Grandfather. I never questioned why my Mom was darker than me or why my Father was lighter than my sister.  I never questioned why my Grandmother was pale. I do not recall ever having the thought! My sister and I are a few shade variations apart depending on the season, and I affectionately was referred to as Casper as a baby. (See picture of me as a baby below) I just thought people sprout out however they come! For me growing up, that was what I saw. Short, tall, light, dark, all normal to me.

The problem with all of this is I am tired of having the notion pushed and brought up it seems like everywhere I go, that my children are different from each other in any sort of hierarchy way.  Yes, they are different. No, we aren't having a conversation "oooooingg and ahhhing" about any such differences while simultaneously dismissing their blackness or affirming to my others how "basic" their brown skin is.  I won't stand for it.

So, this is now my PSA to the world that racism indeed is subtle and creeping. Racism come from strangers comments, it comes from within families, it comes from media, and everywhere else in between.  This type of racism I speak of comes in the form of colorism where people all over of varying ethnic backgrounds believe deep down that lighter is better. They see it, distinguish it, will seek to point it out often, they will marvel at it making inaccurate inappropriate comments.  You know how I know for sure its done with colorism at the root? Because more than a decade has passed by and nobody has ever commented on "how black" any of my children are. NEVER. EVER. They don't seek to comment, lift up, call out, glorify their blackness or black features of any of my kids. Only do they comment or articulate the perceived whiteness. Is it more acceptable? More shocking?  The next time you notice anyone doing this. Please call them on their racist comments and ideologies. They probably will ignore you or deny it, but because I am so fed up with this beast of the mixed and blended family I plan on doing it every single time. Every.Single.Time.