Career before kids, kids before a Career, Career after kids, or Career while having kids?!

Recently, as my son's 9th birthday passed I reflected on all of our times together. I must say I always think I was so blessed to have him at the time I did in my life. I say that because I had no "stressful" "demanding" job to do besides finish college and tend to him. I was fortunate enough where I had a car that was only 4 years old and paid off when he was born. I also worked nights and weekends which meant when he was sleeping  my mom, his dad, or paternal grand mom could babysit. In short, I AM so thankful I was able to build UP to my career and actually have the time to be with my son during the weeks and days taking walks to the park, lazy mornings watching Diego, Backyardigans, and Yo Gabba Gabba!  I look back at that time in my life and I truly realize how precious those moments were not just with him but with my daughter as well.  However, I am equally as thankful for having a Career while having kids. I mean, if there is anything like boosting your self esteem and morale it is putting on career clothes, sitting in meetings, and wrangling kids before and after work. I think the hardest part for me having Dominic was figuring out how to do the little baby thing with older kids and working a job that requires an extreme amount of mental and physical stamina.  I remember in my early 20's my friend who also has kids would often say imagine how lucky we are WE GOT THIS OUT THE WAY, by the time we are in our 30's we will be smooth sailing.  It is true, to some degree most of my peers will be faced with building a career and then either leaving or juggling motherhood and career. I mean who honestly wants to walk away from the "height" of their career? Just when it starts to get good, just when you have your holidays, pension, paid vacations, paid personal time off, and established yourself. Do you really walk away from that?
 I fall into the latter of Career while having kids with my third, and I have to say it isn't as bad as I thought!  It's been more rewarding than stressful.

 In a way I do feel that  having children before having a "real career" allowed me to take the time to figure this mommy thing out. I wasn't rushed and saddled back to a demanding or dead end job. My responsibilities were to get the mommy thing right, keep the apartment in order, and look for a job while I tutored and substitute taught at my leisure. Luckily I found a tutoring gig that was well paid for a short amount of hours.

 In that same breath I feel so guilty because although I have little Dominic now, working part time nights or staying home wouldn't even be something I (GASP) WANT to Do. I find that when I say that to people, and I mean it.. they think I am some bad mother or just a loon. Now I love my child, all of them equally. I just feel  at this very moment in my life I am climbing the stairs and who wants to just come down and have a seat? That really wouldn't benefit ANY of us. Not now, not later.
 I have so many visions for my life, and the things that are personally fulfilling to me; that I can't imagine me doing what I did with Caleb right now, or even years from now.  Looking back I am so glad I did, but that doesn't fit *me* now.  I can't explain it, or why because that's just not *me*.  In most cases I feel I have to apologize for it not being me. Sometimes, I feel like Dominic will get a watered down version of the me that was kids before a career. The me that had 3 days to work at night and all day to hang out and relax.  I recall even recently when I was home in the summer I was starting to lose my mind, there was nothing outside of domesticity and shopping. I need more mental stimulation than that. The most intellectual conversation I was having was with my 9 year old! While he is very smart, towards the end I was making PowerPoints and, reading countless emails about "school". I was ready to get back to it.  I can honestly say I LOVE WHAT I DO. Sometimes I wish it was all (easier), but I don't know what I would do if it wasn't in the realm of education. It is a passion. Some say it is a mission. I call this the CURSE of a progressive 21st century woman.  I am passionate about what I do, read about it constantly, revolve my world around being an educator. It really is a lifestyle. I try to improve and make strides, so that I can eventually see my vision come to fruition. Yes, while each morning is a task to get out the house with 3 kids, it is a marathon I sign up for. Every passing day I see, feel, and sense my own power and potential as a mother, teacher, and even spouse.  So when I look back over the last 9 years as a mother, I can't say which choice would be "better", or which choice I liked more. It's a tie for me, because I think it depends where you are in your own life and mind. When I am 40 I may have a different outlook. As for now I am here living my dream as a mother and a teacher, and it feels good. It feels REALLY good.